Amatara

In lieu of a proper post, have a list of flail... *sigh*

1. I'm just - so - tired. Not plain sleepy tired or overworked-tired but the kind of numbing, inexplicable, queasy, drill-through-the-head kind of exhaustion that crashes into you without warning and leaves you wanting nothing else than to curl up on the sofa and sleep, sleep, sleep. The only time I've had this before was last year when I struggled with blood pressure shenanigans, but last year I was in the middle of a grueling project at work so there was really no doubt about it being work-related. Then Project of Doom finished last March, and in May husband and I took a three-week-holiday during which I was still tired (to the point of being forced to have dinner of cookies and crisps in the hotel room a few times because I didn't feel up to getting out of bed). And now I've started work on a follow-up project which is admittedly intense, but nothing compared to the amount of work I pulled off last year, and I'm still tired.

It's not as bad as during those few weeks last year when I was a total wreck, but it's just that it won't pass this time, no matter how much I try to catch up on sleep. I had my blood tested, but it turned up nothing. So now I'm cautiously starting to wrap my head around thoughts that rhyme with 'burn-out' and wondering if it's possible that Project of Doom wore me out more than I thought it had. Very cautiously, mind you, but it's either that or getting scared that it'll turn out to be something else altogether, which is helpful to no one.

2. Being tired makes me irritable and prone to overreacting, which doesn't help things. Especially since I'm now teamed up with a colleague who is the sweetest guy on earth but also a bundle of nerves like you wouldn't believe. He's a fountain of knowledge, but he also needs constant hand-holding and reassurance about everything ranging from his priorities to the wording of his emails. I'm not sure if I feel up to being the anchor of his professional universe right now.

3. More complicating factors: they've just started construction on what's going to be our future home, which is fun and thrilling but also brings a lot of important decisions. Between that, work, and the diet I've been on (I put on a few kilos over the last years, and was wondering if those could be part of the cause for my health issues, so - death to those kilos!) it feels like I'm doing little else than working my way through to-do lists these days. Husband is helpful and supportive and is doing a great job making life easier for me, but he has a busy job of his own so there's only so much he can do.

4. I AM IN A FANNISH EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, GUYS.

Fandom's still my haven, but I'm so passive in it these days and it's driving me crazy. I hardly post anymore, and whenever I think about those help_japan stories I still need to finish, I freeze up. I had an upsurge of fannish energy after watching X-Men: First Class, and even wrote a short story, but it hasn't lasted. I got as far as typing up a few ideas for the B5 fic I owe crossing_hades, but I'll need to re-watch some episodes in order to write something half decent, and just - PANIC. (Anyone who can give me some pointers on what would be the essential eps to re-watch for a post-canon G'Kar & Lyta story? Would be a life-saver. I'm pretty confident about post-canon G'Kar, but Lyta - not so much.)

Basically I've just been reading fic and browsing other people's journals, which is when husband usually (and rightfully) drops the question if I wouldn't be better off (A) sleeping, or (B) working on the plans for the house. I can't help thinking he may be right. But then, of course, the moment I stop writing fic is inevitably the moment I start thinking thoughts like "why am I writing anyway" and "if I stop writing, will people even remember any of my stories" and "omg I never get recced ever" (which isn't quite true, but, you know, drama queen) and "whatever I do, I'll never make a lasting impression with my fanfic like other/better/more prolific writers do" and... well, you know. I know it's irrational. It's unnecessary. It's stupid. Yet I can't seem to stop myself.

Cheer me up, guys, please! Cheer-lead me, pat my vitual shoulder, tell me you'll stil be re-reading my fic when you're old and worn and tucked away in a nursing home. Hug me, link me to vids, fics, stuff to make me smile. Be awesome. Be here.

5. On a positive note: going to see the new Harry Potter later today. I have been looking forward to this for so long. The trailers all looked so very awesome. And it's quite possible ( is this still spoiling anyone? ) will make me cry.

6. Oh, and another positive note! (see? Things aren't half bad when you start to think about it. :) ) Saw the first episode of Torchwood: Miracle Day. The old-fashioned way, Thursday night on BBC. And loved it. Oh Gwen, Rhys, Jack.

Yesterday, my husband's grandmother passed away after complications resulting from brain surgery.

The day after tomorrow, husband and I are leaving on a three-week holiday.

This is... an odd feeling.

Husband and I have talked about the holiday, and we both agree we're not going to change our plans. For one, cancelling it now would be an incredible hassle, not to mention very expensive (plane tickets, rental car, hotels have all been booked and paid for in advance), but also, we really still want to go. And that, too, is an odd feeling.

Rationally speaking, of course, there isn't much we could do anyway if we stayed. Except, you know, mourn, and maybe spend some more time with husband's family, and go to the funeral, which we'll be missing now. On the other hand we've been looking forward to this vacation for a very long time, and it will probably be the very last really big trip we're going to take for quite some years. This summer they'll be starting construction of our house so there'll be bills to pay, and once we've moved into the house chances are we're going to start thinking about kids, so... yeah. This was a bit of a symbolic vacation for us in that context. That, and we both had one hell of a tough year professionally, and both desperately feel like we need a break from work. So yeah... we'll be going. And when we're there we'll think of home, probably a lot more than we'd do otherwise, but we still intend to have as good a time as we can anyway. Which feels... odd, but not quite wrong.

Life and death, right? Can't have one without the other.


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On a less melancholy note: help_japan! I won fic by the lovely kangeiko and heartequals, and was won by the wonderful yetanothermask and faelhach, for whom I'll be writing Babylon 5 and Twin Peaks fic, respectively, in return for their generous donations.


I may or may not have access to Internet a few times in the next three weeks, but I'm not sure and I'm not quite counting on it - so please don't worry if you try to contact me and don't hear back from me for a while. I'll reply as soon as I'm able, in the week of 10th May at the latest.

It's been pretty long since I've given a sign of (online) life lately, so - just a line to say that might stay the case for a while longer. I know I still owe some of you an email reply, or a comment reply, or feedback on fics, but I'm still drowning a little bit at the moment, so... please, don't think I'm ignoring y'all. I'll get to it eventually, don't you worry.

On a positive note: one of the reasons for the drowning is that, if all goes well, we'll be signing a contract to buy a house (well, strictly speaking it's not a house yet, it still needs to be built, but never mind) sometime veeeerrrry soon! *is bouncy and nervous* Wish us luck!