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amataraIn lieu of a proper post, have a list of flail... *sigh*
1. I'm just - so - tired. Not plain sleepy tired or overworked-tired but the kind of numbing, inexplicable, queasy, drill-through-the-head kind of exhaustion that crashes into you without warning and leaves you wanting nothing else than to curl up on the sofa and sleep, sleep, sleep. The only time I've had this before was last year when I struggled with blood pressure shenanigans, but last year I was in the middle of a grueling project at work so there was really no doubt about it being work-related. Then Project of Doom finished last March, and in May husband and I took a three-week-holiday during which I was still tired (to the point of being forced to have dinner of cookies and crisps in the hotel room a few times because I didn't feel up to getting out of bed). And now I've started work on a follow-up project which is admittedly intense, but nothing compared to the amount of work I pulled off last year, and I'm still tired.
It's not as bad as during those few weeks last year when I was a total wreck, but it's just that it won't pass this time, no matter how much I try to catch up on sleep. I had my blood tested, but it turned up nothing. So now I'm cautiously starting to wrap my head around thoughts that rhyme with 'burn-out' and wondering if it's possible that Project of Doom wore me out more than I thought it had. Very cautiously, mind you, but it's either that or getting scared that it'll turn out to be something else altogether, which is helpful to no one.
2. Being tired makes me irritable and prone to overreacting, which doesn't help things. Especially since I'm now teamed up with a colleague who is the sweetest guy on earth but also a bundle of nerves like you wouldn't believe. He's a fountain of knowledge, but he also needs constant hand-holding and reassurance about everything ranging from his priorities to the wording of his emails. I'm not sure if I feel up to being the anchor of his professional universe right now.
3. More complicating factors: they've just started construction on what's going to be our future home, which is fun and thrilling but also brings a lot of important decisions. Between that, work, and the diet I've been on (I put on a few kilos over the last years, and was wondering if those could be part of the cause for my health issues, so - death to those kilos!) it feels like I'm doing little else than working my way through to-do lists these days. Husband is helpful and supportive and is doing a great job making life easier for me, but he has a busy job of his own so there's only so much he can do.
4. I AM IN A FANNISH EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, GUYS.
Fandom's still my haven, but I'm so passive in it these days and it's driving me crazy. I hardly post anymore, and whenever I think about those help_japan stories I still need to finish, I freeze up. I had an upsurge of fannish energy after watching X-Men: First Class, and even wrote a short story, but it hasn't lasted. I got as far as typing up a few ideas for the B5 fic I owecrossing_hades, but I'll need to re-watch some episodes in order to write something half decent, and just - PANIC. (Anyone who can give me some pointers on what would be the essential eps to re-watch for a post-canon G'Kar & Lyta story? Would be a life-saver. I'm pretty confident about post-canon G'Kar, but Lyta - not so much.)
Basically I've just been reading fic and browsing other people's journals, which is when husband usually (and rightfully) drops the question if I wouldn't be better off (A) sleeping, or (B) working on the plans for the house. I can't help thinking he may be right. But then, of course, the moment I stop writing fic is inevitably the moment I start thinking thoughts like "why am I writing anyway" and "if I stop writing, will people even remember any of my stories" and "omg I never get recced ever" (which isn't quite true, but, you know, drama queen) and "whatever I do, I'll never make a lasting impression with my fanfic like other/better/more prolific writers do" and... well, you know. I know it's irrational. It's unnecessary. It's stupid. Yet I can't seem to stop myself.
Cheer me up, guys, please! Cheer-lead me, pat my vitual shoulder, tell me you'll stil be re-reading my fic when you're old and worn and tucked away in a nursing home. Hug me, link me to vids, fics, stuff to make me smile. Be awesome. Be here.
5. On a positive note: going to see the new Harry Potter later today. I have been looking forward to this for so long. The trailers all looked so very awesome. And it's quite possible Snape's death will make me cry.
6. Oh, and another positive note! (see? Things aren't half bad when you start to think about it. :) ) Saw the first episode of Torchwood: Miracle Day. The old-fashioned way, Thursday night on BBC. And loved it. Oh Gwen, Rhys, Jack.
1. I'm just - so - tired. Not plain sleepy tired or overworked-tired but the kind of numbing, inexplicable, queasy, drill-through-the-head kind of exhaustion that crashes into you without warning and leaves you wanting nothing else than to curl up on the sofa and sleep, sleep, sleep. The only time I've had this before was last year when I struggled with blood pressure shenanigans, but last year I was in the middle of a grueling project at work so there was really no doubt about it being work-related. Then Project of Doom finished last March, and in May husband and I took a three-week-holiday during which I was still tired (to the point of being forced to have dinner of cookies and crisps in the hotel room a few times because I didn't feel up to getting out of bed). And now I've started work on a follow-up project which is admittedly intense, but nothing compared to the amount of work I pulled off last year, and I'm still tired.
It's not as bad as during those few weeks last year when I was a total wreck, but it's just that it won't pass this time, no matter how much I try to catch up on sleep. I had my blood tested, but it turned up nothing. So now I'm cautiously starting to wrap my head around thoughts that rhyme with 'burn-out' and wondering if it's possible that Project of Doom wore me out more than I thought it had. Very cautiously, mind you, but it's either that or getting scared that it'll turn out to be something else altogether, which is helpful to no one.
2. Being tired makes me irritable and prone to overreacting, which doesn't help things. Especially since I'm now teamed up with a colleague who is the sweetest guy on earth but also a bundle of nerves like you wouldn't believe. He's a fountain of knowledge, but he also needs constant hand-holding and reassurance about everything ranging from his priorities to the wording of his emails. I'm not sure if I feel up to being the anchor of his professional universe right now.
3. More complicating factors: they've just started construction on what's going to be our future home, which is fun and thrilling but also brings a lot of important decisions. Between that, work, and the diet I've been on (I put on a few kilos over the last years, and was wondering if those could be part of the cause for my health issues, so - death to those kilos!) it feels like I'm doing little else than working my way through to-do lists these days. Husband is helpful and supportive and is doing a great job making life easier for me, but he has a busy job of his own so there's only so much he can do.
4. I AM IN A FANNISH EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, GUYS.
Fandom's still my haven, but I'm so passive in it these days and it's driving me crazy. I hardly post anymore, and whenever I think about those help_japan stories I still need to finish, I freeze up. I had an upsurge of fannish energy after watching X-Men: First Class, and even wrote a short story, but it hasn't lasted. I got as far as typing up a few ideas for the B5 fic I owe
crossing_hades, but I'll need to re-watch some episodes in order to write something half decent, and just - PANIC. (Anyone who can give me some pointers on what would be the essential eps to re-watch for a post-canon G'Kar & Lyta story? Would be a life-saver. I'm pretty confident about post-canon G'Kar, but Lyta - not so much.) Basically I've just been reading fic and browsing other people's journals, which is when husband usually (and rightfully) drops the question if I wouldn't be better off (A) sleeping, or (B) working on the plans for the house. I can't help thinking he may be right. But then, of course, the moment I stop writing fic is inevitably the moment I start thinking thoughts like "why am I writing anyway" and "if I stop writing, will people even remember any of my stories" and "omg I never get recced ever" (which isn't quite true, but, you know, drama queen) and "whatever I do, I'll never make a lasting impression with my fanfic like other/better/more prolific writers do" and... well, you know. I know it's irrational. It's unnecessary. It's stupid. Yet I can't seem to stop myself.
Cheer me up, guys, please! Cheer-lead me, pat my vitual shoulder, tell me you'll stil be re-reading my fic when you're old and worn and tucked away in a nursing home. Hug me, link me to vids, fics, stuff to make me smile. Be awesome. Be here.
5. On a positive note: going to see the new Harry Potter later today. I have been looking forward to this for so long. The trailers all looked so very awesome. And it's quite possible Snape's death will make me cry.
6. Oh, and another positive note! (see? Things aren't half bad when you start to think about it. :) ) Saw the first episode of Torchwood: Miracle Day. The old-fashioned way, Thursday night on BBC. And loved it. Oh Gwen, Rhys, Jack.
