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amataraSummary: Pon Farr may be a Vulcan condition, but in Spock’s case, it’s a human one as well. Several human ones, in fact. Leonard McCoy would know.
Author's notes: Written as a (by now very *blushes*) belated birthday present for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mithen. Contains references to, among others, Amok Time, All Our Yesterdays, and The Search for Spock. Also borrows an idea (which is my personal fanon as well), though not the details, from various ST novels the titles of which I forgot.
Characters: Leonard McCoy, Spock, Jim Kirk, Saavik.
Rating: PG-13.
Word Count: ~ 2000
Disclaimer: Not mine, but man, do I love them.
(Gah, I need a Jim & Bones & Spock icon, I do.)
Human Conditions
i. Irony
The first time, he doesn’t want a soul to see. Not his captain, not his crewmates. Not even you, who not only cares but is bound by oath to care. Instead he tries to hide it from the world, and so naturally, as those things go – the whole ship knows.
You’re tempted, then, to tell him a thing or two about irony. One of the great truths of life: that nothing ever happens by forcing it, nothing ever goes away by shutting it out. Push in one direction, life is sure to shove you right back. Like a teenage kid you try to keep in the house, but who goes sneaking right out the window at night. Like a wife, who drifts father away the harder you try.
Yeah. You of all people would know about irony, wouldn’t you?
And not just you. Christine, you’re sure, could tell him better than anyone. Spending years hoping for some kind, any kind, of emotional response, only to get it in the shape of a thrown bowl of Plomeek soup. And Jim – the closest thing Spock has to a friend, almost getting himself killed over a woman that neither of them really knows. If that’s not irony, you don’t know what is.
Or you could have told him, when he was on that biobed, sullen and trembling but still fighting with all he had to keep you out. Being his doctor – and, you hope, something of a friend as well – yet not being able to lift a finger to help. To know he’d have died, quietly, sooner than confide in you. One more slice of irony to add to the stack.
You never do tell him, in the end. You figure it out, and Spock lives, and Jim lives, and seeing Spock’s face the moment he realizes – you’re grinning too widely to say a damn thing.
You harrumph obligingly. “I’m a doctor – damn well I’m aware. Like I’m aware that, to humans, not all cures are rational. Not that a pointy-eared Vulcan would know.”
“Ah, yes.” A look in his eyes that’s impossible to read. “A human’s unique capability of taking benefit from cures that do not actually work.” He tilts his head and holds out the glass, lets you take it from him. For a second, his hand spasms against yours, and abruptly you’re wide awake and stone sober.
“What’s wrong?” you say, and to your surprise, he tells you everything.
“Zarabeth?” You shake your head, and he nods for what’s got to be the fiftieth time. He flinches only a little as you look for his pulse, find it racing, no wonder. “Spock, that was five months ago. Either that or – five-thousand-odd years, depending on how you count. And speaking of counting –”
“As you stated, Doctor, not everything is governed by arithmetic.” He pulls in a sharp breath that’s almost a sigh. “I was not even aware she and I had… bonded.” Last words so quiet you have to strain to hear them. Another shudder, his eyes pinching shut, and if the tightness in your throat isn’t panic, you’re not sure what it is.
“For God’s sake, Spock, she died – what, five millennia ago! If you need – that –”
“I do not think ‘that’ will be necessary, Doctor.” Awkward pause, and for a second you could almost swear he’s smiling; a tense sliver of a smile, all eyes and no lips, but still a smile. “The effects are not quite so profound. I am confident I can muster them with meditation. But I will require –” He shivers briefly, breath hitching a little like he’s in pain. “I will require some time. And privacy. I would prefer if this did not become public knowledge.”
You lean back and let out the breath you’ve been holding. “So what you’re saying is you want me – to cover for you? Find some excuse to take you off duty?” Another nod, and you blink, incredulous. “Did you tell Jim?”
“Not for now,” he says, then, before you find your breath to protest, “Please, Doctor. The fact that I am here, discussing this with you, does not imply this has stopped being a private matter. It is very simple: you were there, with Zarabeth, the Captain was not. This made you the logical person to come to. I assure you, I will speak with Jim as well, but –”
“All right. All right, Spock, I just –” Still struggling to digest that, you find the glass of brandy, toss down what’s left. “All right.” Deep breath, and dammit, if you’re the one he decided to trust, you sure as hell can’t fail him. “We’ll get you through this, Spock. You can bet on that.”
If there’s emotion in his eyes, you don’t call him on it. “Doctor, I never doubted that you would.”
iii. Empathy
The third time, you don’t have a clue. Not that anything that’s happened to you the past few days has made any sense. All you know is you’re on route to Genesis, a piece of Vulcan mind still stuck inside your head, Jim hovering over you like a brooding mother hen. That, and you’ve all flushed your careers right down the drain, not that anyone seems to give a damn.
There’s no warning, none at all. One minute you’re nodding off in Spock’s chair on the bridge – the only place that still feels right for you to be. The next you’re hot as hell and shaking like a palsy victim, and you don’t even know what’s happened in between. For a second, there’s the nagging sense it wasn’t even you it happened to, then the feeling tapers off and you’re just exhausted.
“Bones?” Jim’s voice is hushed, edgy, like it’s been since this started. Not that you blame him. It’s scary enough to be dragging Spock’s katra around, but for Jim, who can't stand not being in control, it has to be even worse.
“ ’m Fine,” you mutter, though you’re not sure you are. You suppress another shudder, another flash of being in a different mind than yours. It’s not that you’re hurting, it’s that someone else is. Which sounds crazy enough to make you wonder if you’re starting to lose it again. If you didn’t know better... But no. Just – no.
Jim doesn’t look convinced either, but he sucks it up for your – for both your sakes. “In a normal situation, I’d order you to Sickbay, Bones.” Faint half-grin. “But I’m afraid right now –”
“We’re a little short on medical staff.” You manage a chuckle. “Yeah. Don’t worry about it, Jim.” You grin back and wave him off, and somehow, you manage to drift to sleep. When you wake up, you can hardly even remember the feeling.
It’s only hours later, after losing David and losing the Enterprise, after everything’s gone to hell and all you’ve got left is Spock’s too-quiet form on the gurney, that it comes back to you. Sitting at Spock’s bedside because it’s the only place you can be right now, you watch one crewman after another file in to see him. Jim spends an hour or so there with you, eyes bright with tears he still can’t shed. Spock’s hand clenched in his like it’ll make a difference, like he wasn’t able to hold his son’s. And of course that’s how it’ll always feel to him – Spock’s life for David’s, even though that’s never how life works, and no man should have to bear that burden. But you know he will, anyway.
Saavik enters just as Jim is called out. She sits beside you without a word, and you don’t even know where the question came from until you’re asking it.
“Something happened to him, didn’t it? Down on Genesis.” You watch her turn her head towards you. “I mean – apart from the being dead and coming back to life and aging. Something else, something – painful.”
“You could sense it,” Saavik says, and it’s not a question. Suddenly there’s warmth in her eyes, then more warmth as she picks up Spock’s hand, strokes it with a pair of fingers. “I can tell you, but most likely it will not mean much to you. It was Pon Farr.” She watches you, curious. “You know of it?”
You don’t know what shocks you most – the word, or the ease with which she says it out loud. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” You swallow. “But – he’s fine, now, isn’t he? Physically, at least. So how –”
All she’s done is incline her head, then you know.
For a second, you could swear you love her.
iv. Happiness
The fourth time, and the last that you know of, is no spectacle, no drama. In a way, it feels almost ordinary. That in itself says something about how far you’ve come. How far he’s come, more to the point.
Vulcan’s as much of a furnace as ever, and you know you shouldn’t be drinking this much, but dehydration lurks, so it’s a medical matter. If you’re not allowed that kind of indulgence at your age, when will you ever? Vulcans still don’t drink, of course, but there’s a handful of off-world guests and a selection of alcoholic beverages to match. Just as long as you don’t mind being scowled at when you order.
By the time the bride and groom arrive, you’re tipsy. You’re a melancholy drunk, Jim always told you, and that thought in itself really doesn’t help. Jim is long gone, but you can almost imagine what he’d have said if he was here. He’d be hitting on Saavik the moment he saw her in that dress, tight and flowing and as illogical as they came. You’d be elbowing him in the ribs, and he’d grin that cheeky grin at you, a grin that meant “just try and stop me”. Then he’d give Spock that look they had, the one that was deeper below the surface than above it, like an iceberg. The look you’d give anything to see again.
Of course, chances are, if Jim was alive, there might never have been a wedding at all.
But Jim isn’t here. It’s just you, worn and wobbly and more than a little drunk by now. Which is why you don’t feel the slightest bit guilty when you take Saavik’s hand and kiss it like you mean it. It’s probably not the smartest act to be kissing a Vulcan’s wife-to-be, especially a Vulcan in the throes of Pon Farr. Then again, it’s not worse than putting your arms around said Vulcan and hugging him tight, and that goes down surprisingly well.
You wonder, sometimes, in the years that come, if there’s a fifth time, a sixth. If there are, they don’t involve you, and in most ways that’s good. There are no children, and you wonder about that, too. Still, they seem happy together, or whatever word Vulcans use to say –
No. Happy is the proper word.
Author's notes: Written as a (by now very *blushes*) belated birthday present for
mithen. Contains references to, among others, Amok Time, All Our Yesterdays, and The Search for Spock. Also borrows an idea (which is my personal fanon as well), though not the details, from various ST novels the titles of which I forgot.Characters: Leonard McCoy, Spock, Jim Kirk, Saavik.
Rating: PG-13.
Word Count: ~ 2000
Disclaimer: Not mine, but man, do I love them.
(Gah, I need a Jim & Bones & Spock icon, I do.)
Human Conditions
i. Irony
The first time, he doesn’t want a soul to see. Not his captain, not his crewmates. Not even you, who not only cares but is bound by oath to care. Instead he tries to hide it from the world, and so naturally, as those things go – the whole ship knows.
You’re tempted, then, to tell him a thing or two about irony. One of the great truths of life: that nothing ever happens by forcing it, nothing ever goes away by shutting it out. Push in one direction, life is sure to shove you right back. Like a teenage kid you try to keep in the house, but who goes sneaking right out the window at night. Like a wife, who drifts father away the harder you try.
Yeah. You of all people would know about irony, wouldn’t you?
And not just you. Christine, you’re sure, could tell him better than anyone. Spending years hoping for some kind, any kind, of emotional response, only to get it in the shape of a thrown bowl of Plomeek soup. And Jim – the closest thing Spock has to a friend, almost getting himself killed over a woman that neither of them really knows. If that’s not irony, you don’t know what is.
Or you could have told him, when he was on that biobed, sullen and trembling but still fighting with all he had to keep you out. Being his doctor – and, you hope, something of a friend as well – yet not being able to lift a finger to help. To know he’d have died, quietly, sooner than confide in you. One more slice of irony to add to the stack.
You never do tell him, in the end. You figure it out, and Spock lives, and Jim lives, and seeing Spock’s face the moment he realizes – you’re grinning too widely to say a damn thing.
ii. Trust
The second time, he comes to find you. Not openly; stealthily. Catching you already half-asleep, numb and bleary-eyed after a late-night shift, but still, he comes and you let him in.
You harrumph obligingly. “I’m a doctor – damn well I’m aware. Like I’m aware that, to humans, not all cures are rational. Not that a pointy-eared Vulcan would know.”
“Ah, yes.” A look in his eyes that’s impossible to read. “A human’s unique capability of taking benefit from cures that do not actually work.” He tilts his head and holds out the glass, lets you take it from him. For a second, his hand spasms against yours, and abruptly you’re wide awake and stone sober.
“What’s wrong?” you say, and to your surprise, he tells you everything.
“Zarabeth?” You shake your head, and he nods for what’s got to be the fiftieth time. He flinches only a little as you look for his pulse, find it racing, no wonder. “Spock, that was five months ago. Either that or – five-thousand-odd years, depending on how you count. And speaking of counting –”
“As you stated, Doctor, not everything is governed by arithmetic.” He pulls in a sharp breath that’s almost a sigh. “I was not even aware she and I had… bonded.” Last words so quiet you have to strain to hear them. Another shudder, his eyes pinching shut, and if the tightness in your throat isn’t panic, you’re not sure what it is.
“For God’s sake, Spock, she died – what, five millennia ago! If you need – that –”
“I do not think ‘that’ will be necessary, Doctor.” Awkward pause, and for a second you could almost swear he’s smiling; a tense sliver of a smile, all eyes and no lips, but still a smile. “The effects are not quite so profound. I am confident I can muster them with meditation. But I will require –” He shivers briefly, breath hitching a little like he’s in pain. “I will require some time. And privacy. I would prefer if this did not become public knowledge.”
You lean back and let out the breath you’ve been holding. “So what you’re saying is you want me – to cover for you? Find some excuse to take you off duty?” Another nod, and you blink, incredulous. “Did you tell Jim?”
“Not for now,” he says, then, before you find your breath to protest, “Please, Doctor. The fact that I am here, discussing this with you, does not imply this has stopped being a private matter. It is very simple: you were there, with Zarabeth, the Captain was not. This made you the logical person to come to. I assure you, I will speak with Jim as well, but –”
“All right. All right, Spock, I just –” Still struggling to digest that, you find the glass of brandy, toss down what’s left. “All right.” Deep breath, and dammit, if you’re the one he decided to trust, you sure as hell can’t fail him. “We’ll get you through this, Spock. You can bet on that.”
If there’s emotion in his eyes, you don’t call him on it. “Doctor, I never doubted that you would.”
iii. Empathy
The third time, you don’t have a clue. Not that anything that’s happened to you the past few days has made any sense. All you know is you’re on route to Genesis, a piece of Vulcan mind still stuck inside your head, Jim hovering over you like a brooding mother hen. That, and you’ve all flushed your careers right down the drain, not that anyone seems to give a damn.
There’s no warning, none at all. One minute you’re nodding off in Spock’s chair on the bridge – the only place that still feels right for you to be. The next you’re hot as hell and shaking like a palsy victim, and you don’t even know what’s happened in between. For a second, there’s the nagging sense it wasn’t even you it happened to, then the feeling tapers off and you’re just exhausted.
“Bones?” Jim’s voice is hushed, edgy, like it’s been since this started. Not that you blame him. It’s scary enough to be dragging Spock’s katra around, but for Jim, who can't stand not being in control, it has to be even worse.
“ ’m Fine,” you mutter, though you’re not sure you are. You suppress another shudder, another flash of being in a different mind than yours. It’s not that you’re hurting, it’s that someone else is. Which sounds crazy enough to make you wonder if you’re starting to lose it again. If you didn’t know better... But no. Just – no.
Jim doesn’t look convinced either, but he sucks it up for your – for both your sakes. “In a normal situation, I’d order you to Sickbay, Bones.” Faint half-grin. “But I’m afraid right now –”
“We’re a little short on medical staff.” You manage a chuckle. “Yeah. Don’t worry about it, Jim.” You grin back and wave him off, and somehow, you manage to drift to sleep. When you wake up, you can hardly even remember the feeling.
It’s only hours later, after losing David and losing the Enterprise, after everything’s gone to hell and all you’ve got left is Spock’s too-quiet form on the gurney, that it comes back to you. Sitting at Spock’s bedside because it’s the only place you can be right now, you watch one crewman after another file in to see him. Jim spends an hour or so there with you, eyes bright with tears he still can’t shed. Spock’s hand clenched in his like it’ll make a difference, like he wasn’t able to hold his son’s. And of course that’s how it’ll always feel to him – Spock’s life for David’s, even though that’s never how life works, and no man should have to bear that burden. But you know he will, anyway.
Saavik enters just as Jim is called out. She sits beside you without a word, and you don’t even know where the question came from until you’re asking it.
“Something happened to him, didn’t it? Down on Genesis.” You watch her turn her head towards you. “I mean – apart from the being dead and coming back to life and aging. Something else, something – painful.”
“You could sense it,” Saavik says, and it’s not a question. Suddenly there’s warmth in her eyes, then more warmth as she picks up Spock’s hand, strokes it with a pair of fingers. “I can tell you, but most likely it will not mean much to you. It was Pon Farr.” She watches you, curious. “You know of it?”
You don’t know what shocks you most – the word, or the ease with which she says it out loud. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” You swallow. “But – he’s fine, now, isn’t he? Physically, at least. So how –”
All she’s done is incline her head, then you know.
For a second, you could swear you love her.
iv. Happiness
The fourth time, and the last that you know of, is no spectacle, no drama. In a way, it feels almost ordinary. That in itself says something about how far you’ve come. How far he’s come, more to the point.
Vulcan’s as much of a furnace as ever, and you know you shouldn’t be drinking this much, but dehydration lurks, so it’s a medical matter. If you’re not allowed that kind of indulgence at your age, when will you ever? Vulcans still don’t drink, of course, but there’s a handful of off-world guests and a selection of alcoholic beverages to match. Just as long as you don’t mind being scowled at when you order.
By the time the bride and groom arrive, you’re tipsy. You’re a melancholy drunk, Jim always told you, and that thought in itself really doesn’t help. Jim is long gone, but you can almost imagine what he’d have said if he was here. He’d be hitting on Saavik the moment he saw her in that dress, tight and flowing and as illogical as they came. You’d be elbowing him in the ribs, and he’d grin that cheeky grin at you, a grin that meant “just try and stop me”. Then he’d give Spock that look they had, the one that was deeper below the surface than above it, like an iceberg. The look you’d give anything to see again.
Of course, chances are, if Jim was alive, there might never have been a wedding at all.
But Jim isn’t here. It’s just you, worn and wobbly and more than a little drunk by now. Which is why you don’t feel the slightest bit guilty when you take Saavik’s hand and kiss it like you mean it. It’s probably not the smartest act to be kissing a Vulcan’s wife-to-be, especially a Vulcan in the throes of Pon Farr. Then again, it’s not worse than putting your arms around said Vulcan and hugging him tight, and that goes down surprisingly well.
You wonder, sometimes, in the years that come, if there’s a fifth time, a sixth. If there are, they don’t involve you, and in most ways that’s good. There are no children, and you wonder about that, too. Still, they seem happy together, or whatever word Vulcans use to say –
No. Happy is the proper word.
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-03 10:39 pm (UTC)Spock’s hand clenched in his like it’ll make a difference, like he wasn’t able to hold his son’s. And of course that’s how it’ll always feel to him – Spock’s life for David’s, even though that’s never how life works, no man should have to bear that burden. But you know he will, anyway.
Augh, having McCoy state it so bluntly is something that a story from neither Jim nor Spock's POV could do without it sounding horribly melodramatic. Here it works as a simple, cold statement of fact, and it's heartbreaking and just right.
Then he’d give Spock that look they had, the one that was deeper below the surface than above it, like an iceberg.
Hee, I love this metaphor even as you're breaking my heart in the last one. But it's a good break--I really like stories that admit that life goes on despite loss, and that happiness (LOVE the last line with all the weight of the canon behind it) comes back somehow.
It’s probably not the smartest act to be kissing a Vulcan’s wife-to-be, especially a Vulcan in the throes of Pon Farr. Then again, it’s not worse than putting your arms around said Vulcan and hugging him tight, and that goes down surprisingly well.
This was such a perfect passage, funny and yet touching (because he's right, it's not a good idea, and it says something about how much Spock trusts McCoy that he can get away with it, I think), and then McCoy hugging Spock in turn is sheer delight.
I loved this! You've absolutely made my week with it, it's so gorgeous.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-04 08:25 pm (UTC)I hope I didn't break your heart too badly - while I'm sure Jim will always have an important part in Spock's life, even after he's gone, I've always had a huge soft spot for Spock and Saavik as a couple as well. In a large part because of the events in TSFS, because - well, it would be some kind of cosmic justice or whatever one wants to call it, to have them end up toghether after what she did for him back then, even it's years or even decades after it all happened. And I'm sure neither Jim nor McCoy would have wanted Spock to be alone and grieving for the rest of his days.
And you're right - picking McCoy as the POV character made it easier to put in some observations that from another viewpoint would have been much harder to sell. Also, I discovered I have a bit of a thing with him at the receiving end of some of the h/c. You mentioned The Empath? Oh, yes. :)
In short, I'm thrilled you liked this! :) And I had a lovely time writing it, and revisiting the various pieces of canon... Made me get all misty-eyed, too. *wibbles*
if I were a good reviewer....
Date: 2010-08-03 10:49 pm (UTC)But instead I think I'll spend my time rereading this delightful fic. Thank you for the pleasure!
Re: if I were a good reviewer....
Date: 2010-08-04 08:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-03 11:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-04 08:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-06 05:49 am (UTC)Anyway, yay for Spock and McCoy friendship! It's so nice the way it evolves over time, and the pon farr theme was unexpected and worked very well. I'm quite amazed by your use of second person because usually I don't like it, but the few times you've used it, it didn't feel weird at all.
And the ending. Is it a happy ending? I believe it is, and that's quite a feat, what with Jim being dead and all... But it felt just right, hopeful and bitter-sweet but... happy is the proper word. Just wonderful.
I'm now going to read this fic again, if you don't mind. And maybe bookmark it.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-06 07:52 pm (UTC)Maybe it's just me being less of a Kirk/Spock shipper than a fan of the trio as a whole, but even with Jim dead, I never really doubted the other two would find new ways to be happy. Somehow I think it might even be less of a problem for Spock than it would be for McCoy, because McCoy has always been a sentimentalist, tempted to cling to the past. Also, he's no longer young, while Spock still has his whole life ahead of him. And I love the idea that Spock would be able to love both Jim and Saavik, just like, say, Sarek marrying Perrin after Amanda's death didn't mean he loved her any less. That's always the plight - and the beauty - of longer-lived beings falling in love with shorter-lived ones.
About the second person - I guess I have been experimenting with POVs and storytelling techniques lately. Here I just slipped into the second person from the start, and stuck to it. For a longer story it would have been too much, I guess, but I'm quite happy with how it turned out here. Incidentally, I assume you know
And if I might ask you another question - recently I've been writing more quickly (not just meaning I type faster, but also I tend to polish less and be less picky before I post something) and I was wondering whether or not it shows, and how much. On one hand I love the act of polishing something till it's shiny, but it's also just fun to be able to write and post quickly, and I can't really judge if there's a difference in quality. This story, for instance, I wrote quite fast, same as my last few TP fics, whereas most of my B5 stories were re-read and reedited about a dozen times over. Can you tell?
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-07 10:26 am (UTC)Very true. I don't doubt that Spock will be happy even after his friends have died. The same applies to, say, Delenn, or Jack Harkness, who will always have his whole life in front of him, or any other long-lived character. It doesn't stop me from being a little sad, because I've always known Spock as the first officer of the Enterprise, with his two fiends by his side, and not as a married ambassador. I suspect this is the reason some fen have a hard time admitting that their favourite immortal character will be just fine and even perfectly happy in the future, even if their lives are different from what we know. (There are a few Jack/Ianto shipper out there who seem convinced that Jack will spend the next ten millennia or so mourning for Ianto.)
About the quick writing: I have certainly noticed how you've been posting more and more, yes. As for the difference in quality -well, I've spotted the odd typo here and there in recent fics, but the overall quality of your writing is still the same, as far as I can tell. Might be because you're getting better at this and your stories don't need as much polishing after the first draft?
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-07 11:37 am (UTC)Also - if you notice typos in fic, please don't hesitate to point them out to me! I don't mind, really, even if it's directly in a comment. Sometimes I catch them myself in re-reading, but just as often I don't, or only weeks later, and then I'm kind of *nghgh - why didn't I see this before?* I'm kind of a spelling freak, me. :)
Edit: oh, and thanks about the compliment about writing style - I totally forgot to say. It won't come as much of a surprise that I love being told things like that. ;)