5 things meme II: Five times Vir wanted to hug Londo (but didn't)

[amatara]

For maspalio:


Five times Vir Cotto wanted to hug Londo Mollari (but didn’t)


Hugging with a battered arm would have been a bad idea in any case. Still, he would have risked it, even with Dr. Franklin scowling at him like he expected Vir to do something foolish beyond measure. As if it was his fault that G'Kar had decided to use him for throwing practice, he thought, not sure if it was relief or the medication that was making him so giddy.

He wasn't quite sure what stopped him, in the end. Maybe the look on Londo's face, hinting that several hours with an angry, Dust-crazed Narn was enough physical contact for now, thank you very much. Londo held his dignity, especially his public dignity, very dear, and there was just enough of a sag in his cheeks that Vir knew he wasn't quite up to having it challenged yet. Not even by something as innocent as an overeager aide.

Whatever the reason, Vir stifled his impulse. Instead he settled for sitting by Londo's bed, fussing over him in what little ways he managed with one good arm, until he became a little dizzy himself and Londo demanded, in a voice as loud as ever, that Franklin get Vir to bed and out of his hair.

Strangely, that was the most comforting thing he'd heard all day.

*

He didn't think he'd ever felt so helpless as when they wheeled out Adira's body.

Not that helplessness was something new, per se; ever since Morden inserted himself into their existence, it had practically become a way of life. But even in the darkest days of the war, most of Vir's frustration had been directed at Londo the politician, rather than Londo the man. It wasn't right to distinguish between the two, he knew that, but it was the only thing that kept him sane through it all. In a way, the Londo who had given the order against Narn wasn't quite the same as the one who'd been molested by G'Kar, or who'd tried to arrange him an – admittedly disastrous – wedding... Or who was, this very moment, weeping convulsively in a corner of the cargo bay.

"Londo?" He took a step closer, feeling his own breath stick in his chest. His foot impacted with something – the bouquet, he saw, now a messy pile of useless leaves. He started to reach out a hand, let it drop again. Part of him was aching to do something, anything, to break the moment. But as the other man straightened his shoulders and turned, his face was white as a ghost's and about as expressionless.

All he could think of as he walked Londo to his quarters was how happy he'd looked, beaming over the starlaces.

And the garters he'd bought. Great Maker, the garters.

*

He couldn’t stop. Both the tears and the heaves just kept on coming, even though there couldn’t have been a drop of alcohol left inside him. He tried to tell himself it wasn’t worth it. Had positions been reversed and it was Cartagia who’d disposed of him – say, after finding out their intentions – the man wouldn’t have batted an eyelash in doing so, except to blink away tears of glee. But that was academic, wasn’t it? Cartagia was gone, which made it a hell of a lot harder, suddenly, to continue to hate him. Or at least, hate him as much as he loathed himself right now.

“There. That is better, hmm?” Londo's eyes flitted from him to the stars that streamed by through the viewport. "Really, Vir, you should drink more often. It makes the hangovers much less unpleasant." Said lightly, but his grip, holding Vir up on the edge of the couch, was steel.

Attempting a nod, Vir ended up halfway between a sob and a whimper, was met with a shushing noise of the type usually reserved for small infants. Londo’s hand was on the back of his neck – like he was a child that needed soothing, he thought, and felt sick again. He was young, yes, and still more naïve than most, but hardly, as Londo had called it, ‘untouched by power’. He’d lost that innocence the day he went to retrieve the poison – no, before, when he’d told Londo to kill Cartagia, disgust making the words taste so earned. But in the end, it didn’t matter who had struck the blow, did it? The truth was, he hadn’t even been feeling guilty until he’d stuck in the needle. Nervous, yes, scared, uncertain... but not guilty. The guilt had only come later – and that, maybe, was the worst of it.

“I’m sorry, I’m s –” He coughed, pushed himself up and swiped at his eyes. “I’m making a big, p-pathetic fool of mys –”

“Vir.” Londo’s face was still turned towards the window, a muscle tugging near the corner of his eye. “It is… not weakness to care, you know. Or to be a good man. The right choices are harder on good men – or so they tell me.” Long pause, and Vir blinked up at the harsh sarcasm in the tone, reached instinctively for Londo’s shoulder. He was halfway into the embrace when his stomach told him otherwise.

*

He had wanted to do it so badly. Just once, that was all, once in those final carefree months, if only to see the look on Londo’s face. He’d do it in the morning, as they met for breakfast, Londo emerging from the bathroom stiff and rumpled, hair barely in place – and radiating with contentment. It had taken Vir a while to spot the source of that radiance, but once he knew, he didn’t see how he could have missed it before. How anyone else on the station could have missed it, really. There was only one thing that made Londo grin like that so early in the day – and only one person on the station who qualified.

(He’d thought about Timov, briefly. He wasn’t sure, but from what he'd seen over the comm lines, he thought she qualified these days, as well.)

Just once: to walk up to Londo, trap him in a bear hug, and tell him “I’m happy for you.” Nothing else. Because he meant it. Because after Adira, after all they’d been through, he hadn’t expected him to get this lucky again.

There was only one problem with his plan. In all fairness, and given the usual company at breakfast – he would have to hug G’Kar as well.

*

Such pretty words: a peaceful death. He’d never really believed it existed. Death – the times he’d seen it, at least – was always ugly, no matter how or when it came. And yet, looking at them now, it was hard to believe they'd died struggling. If he hadn’t known – if Londo hadn’t told him, years ago, what his death would look like – Vir wouldn’t have believed it himself. Squint, and he could almost pretend they were sleeping.

Londo was flat on his stomach, cheek pressed against the floor. Sitting cross-legged on the tiles, Vir reached to turn him over, instinct telling him to touch, hold, find that last bit of warmth before it was gone... but something stopped him. Like the spell of a house full of sleepers, trusting him not to wake them.

“It’s all right,” he whispered, to both of them, and pulled back his hand. If it shook a little, he didn’t see it. “Just rest now – I’ll take it from here.”

*

Comments

[thebunnybag.livejournal.com]

Great thing to see when I just got finished watching "There All the Honor Lies" (I was watching it so I can cite it for my paper, really...) and the scene with Londo and Vir at the end makes me reach for the nearest thing to hug, in this case my very unhappy cat.

Beautiful. I've always wanted to do this meme but never did, not sure about what character I'd do though. You, however, did a wonderful Vir. Especially the last line, that one got the tears going and more hugging of the cat, now quite displeased with the clinging. I especially loved the part with Adira, because I too always felt that was one of Vir's most helpless scenes.

[amatara.livejournal.com]

Wow - I wish I worked in a field where one can quote B5 in one's papers. *g* And thank you! Glad you enjoyed this, and had Dukhat nearby to hug when needed.

I've always wanted to do this meme but never did, not sure about what character I'd do though.

Would you like me to give you a prompt? No pressure, of course, but if it's just a matter about not being able to choose - how about five times Vir tried to have a personal conversation with Lennier? (or vice versa)

[thebunnybag.livejournal.com]

Well, my paper is about music in science fiction, and part of it, I'm comparing the Vorlon/Shadow war to the revolt against 20th century atonalism (aka the protests at Stravinsky's Rite of Spring...order vs chaos, in music form! Esp. since Kosh is so fond of Gregorian chant). I hate writing papers, and hate gathering sources, but it was entertaining to sit around with books on Stravinsky and think, hmm, how does this relate to the Shadows?

Sure, I'll take one of those and see if they'll talk to me. Silly characters.

[maspalio.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what I was hoping for and, if you weren't in a different country, I'd be hugging you right now.

I like how Vir makes a distinction between Londo as a politician and as a man. The fact that he is able to remain friends with Londo despite disagreeing with his actions is one of Virs' greatest strength as a character. Or maybe it's a weakness, but it's fascinating anyway.

And the garters he'd bought. Great Maker, the garters.

But the garters thing was supposed to be funny! How did it become so sad?

The Londo/G'Kar bonus made me smile, of course, and the ending was just the right amount of bitter-sweet.

[amatara.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you. *sends virtual hug to Switzerland anyway* And it was lovely to write this - made me want to cuddle them all so much (yes, even G'Kar *g*).

The fact that he is able to remain friends with Londo despite disagreeing with his actions is one of Vir's greatest strength as a character. Or maybe it's a weakness

I'm not sure which it is either, weakness or strength - might be both. In the show it was shown as the latter because Londo did prove Vir was right in not giving him up... but if that hadn't been the case, I weep for poor Vir. It would have killed him, I think.

But the garters thing was supposed to be funny! How did it become so sad?

Um - taking JMS's cue, I guess. Like he made us all happy and bouncy with all the funny Londo & G'Kar stuff, only to crush us in the space of one episode... *passes on handkerchief* I get weepy just thinking about Londo having to cancel Adira's suite, remove all the stuff he filled it with - flowers, heaps of jala, dresses, garters... Somehow, I think Londo would feel most heartbroken about the garters, too.

[mithen.livejournal.com]

Oh my, that last one ripped my heart out in all the absolute best ways. Wow.

Great Maker, the garters.

I don't know why, that's such a great line--a pained sobby chuckle of a line.

Also, Vir giving G'Kar a big old hug just for the heck of it is an image that will make me smile for a while, even if it didn't actually happen in the story.

[amatara.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Not sure if I'm allowed to feel happy about making you all teary-eyed, but I am anyway, just a little. :) Somehow, no matter how I tried, I didn't manage to write more happy hugs. Same as how I don't seem capable of writing happy sex, for some reason. Uh... Freud might have something to say about that? *g*

And - I can just imagine the look on G'Kar's face if Vir would have gone though with it. *g*